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[25 Jul 2005|03:49pm] |
i'm trying to be a better person
i'm trying to forget my own seemingly petty problems and think about others
but i can't do it when my mind is overwhelmed with so much crap that i get from my family
no one can possibly understand what my head goes through when i have an argument with my mother
i dont want to yell, i want to talk calmly...it just doesn't happen
i can't even articulate myself but i can't help and wonder why there is so much bad things in the world...
why we complicate situations,
why we breed hate and anger.
i want to be good
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| change? |
[28 Jun 2005|11:52pm] |
so i've had a lot of time to think these days. you know, when i'm not busy reading the newspaper (we get the san francisco chronicle now?? and i have some new books), playing mario party 6, at the mall, or at cardio. haha anyway, i've been thinking about college life. most people kind of "re-do" themselves...you know, start over.
do i want to start over?
it's sooooooo tempting. i'm not going to turn into some anorexic party-girl (come on...that's SO NOT ME), i just want to tweak some things here and there, to become the kind of person i really want to be.
i'm going to have to think about this.
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| all the times we've had together... |
[17 Jun 2005|02:24pm] |
i am a high school graduate.
thank you everyone for the memories - you all are ingrained in my brain somehow. even you people i've never really talked to. i wish i had talked to more of my classmates, i feel like i've missed out.
i'm definitely going to miss everyone and i'll even miss high school. yeah, for real.
but now its summer, and that's definitely cause for celebration.
hopefully i will have a job (preferably at AE...i had an interview today ah)
hopefully i get a nice tan
hopefully i will work out a lot and get in shape for LAAAAA
hopefully i will meet lots of cool people at UCLA's orientation (july 27-29)
hopefully i will go on a vacation
hopefully i will have an overall good time.
have a wonderful summer.
and if you haven't signed my yearbook...LET ME KNOW.
don't be a stranger!
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[04 Jun 2005|12:15pm] |
humans are interesting.
the way our minds work, how experiences and emotions shape our lives...
it's unbelievable how totally SCREWED up your life becomes, by living in a certain type of household, by suffering through tragedy, through feelings of neglect, low self-esteem.
call me a pessimist, but the future, and i mean the future as in being like middle aged, looks pretty bleak. living in a world where you think that you're going to get married and live happily ever after - well that's totally misconceived and romanticized as heck. going to college thinking that you're going to get a wonderful job right after and buy yourself a sick car - that's idealism.
when reality hits you.
when you realize that you have to take zoloft to get through the day.
when you see the world as just one fucked up place. with fucked up people.
when you realize that everyone is just out there for their own self interest.
and you see that there's no use in being self-less and generous.
well people, that's when you know that things are SCREWED UP.
i wish i don't have to see her cry.
i wish that i can't hear the sounds of her trembling voice.
i wish that it never happened.
but most of all, i wish that i had the guts to tell her i love her and she means the world to me. her love, it really gets me through.
God, if you're real, if you're really the type of Being described in holy scriptures, please let her know that I love her...and please forgive me.
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| emo time. |
[23 May 2005|09:32pm] |
so i'm going to be emo.
and i'm not even going to try to articulate myself in a coherent manner, i'm just going to vent the heck out.
blegh so last night i am watching my scrubs: season 1 dvd (best show ever...well not actually, but its funny!) and like my dad yells my name and is like "so have you gotten any scholarships or applied" and i'm like yeah i did those alumni ones thats all but i didnt get them and he's like...well keep on applying stop being lazy, this whole weekend all you've done was shop and been silly, stop wasting time we need the money to pay for your tuition and i'm just like GAAAAH what the hell you know. how the hell do you think you can get me out of my "i'm not going to do any work mode" to work on stupid scholarships that i am most likely NOT going to get. and that crap about not having money to pay for my tuition?! AHEM. they wasted so much money this year. my dad went to a trip to the middle east, not once but TWICE, they built a full out grill and bar in the backyard, they bought a new plasma tv system, they bought ANOTHER HOUSE in manteca AND my dad is going to the middle east AGAIN after my graduation!! SO YEAH. stop wasting your money and be responsible. spend that money on something important like YOUR DAUGHTER'S COLLEGE EDUCATION. they want so much out of me and i don't know how to tell them that i'm sorry that i can't fit their high standards but dammit i've been the best daughter that i can think of. i just wish i can feel their appreciation more. sure they do have some nice gestures like giving me money for gas, clothes etc..and just loving me in general, but i really do need a sign from them that says "we love you, we're so proud of you, you've been the best that you could be" but no they just keep on asking for more from me. and the thing is i HATE to disappoint them. especially my dad. but i can't just keep on living my life based on what they think. the sad thing is even though i realize this, i look back on my life and most of the things i've done have been based on my parents. this may seem totally weird but i want them to brag about me, i want them to tell all their friends what a great person i am, because truly, i think i deserve that after all the crap i've been through in my life. it's just like when i did'nt get into berkeley, all i can feel was their disappointment and for about a month i lived in a hell hole where i was looked down upon because i didnt get into that school. i'm sorry i can't live by their high expectations. but i try. and i guess i want to be able to have my own expectations. i mean i don't even know what i truly want to do with my life. and even if i did, would i have the balls to follow through with them if they didn't comply with my parents? there comes a time in one's life where you have to be selfish and i think that time is coming soon but when that time comes i'll have to decide what is more important - me or my parents. sure that looks like an easy choice, but believe me...it's not.
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[15 May 2005|02:29pm] |
( Read more... )
I don't even know what do put in this thing anymore
But I'll just update you on my life:
It's going okay. Excited for LA. I just need a job. Good bye!
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[01 May 2005|11:47am] |
So, I'm sick once again. I've got a sore throat, runny nose and a fever. Wonderful! Last night I took some night time Tylenol and drowsed off to sleep at like 11, way too early. Then I woke up at 11 AM. Sleeping rules.
It's like freakin' May. Graduation is soon...it's actually kind of surreal. Even though high school kind of sucks, we will be leaving the comfort and security of living at home and such. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled about living in LA, but things will just never be the same, you know?
Yeah, this entry sucks
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| why is my journal so ugly...FIX IT |
[07 Apr 2005|03:51pm] |
Rude people piss me off. And don't tell me that you are rude without knowing it. I'm pretty sure you have SOME idea that you lack any manners that your parents should have taught you when you were young...
I mean I understand that there are those moments where you FORGET your manners, and that is perfectly understandable, but then there are those who just completely lack any politeness and they are the type of people who...SUCK.
Anyway. I'm going to college in case you didn't know, and I'm really scared of moving away because it's like...life has moved on, you're not in high school anymore, this is your new life! Oh how I've whined for a new life but now that I'll be getting one, it's quite overwhelming. At least there are people I know who are going the same place as me, which is really reassuring!!
Well, I just had to get that off my chest.
How much rude people suck.
And the woes of starting a new life.
'Til I have more to whine about...
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| hmmmmm yeah what can i say jack johnson is cool |
[24 Mar 2005|10:30pm] |
I'm not a religious person. Most of you know that...
But I do believe in God. And I believe he is responsible for the great things that are happening in my life. Thank you for giving me so much to be grateful for. Shelter, food, security, my family. And for the bout of luck I seem to be having lately. It's nice you know, actually feeling happy everyday.
Life throws some pretty hard times at you...but you just gotta stick it through and have faith that things will get better and that you'll grow into a stronger, even better, person from it. Without suffering there is no compassion...or however that phrase goes. It's so true.
Anyway I'm going to go watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (Finding Neverland was gone!!!!) so good night and I hope you all have a wonderful spring break.
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| i'm waiting for some hoes to get ready. GEEZ. |
[20 Mar 2005|02:53pm] |
TEN people I want the company of:
1. amanda
2. desiree
3. jessica
4. freshta
5. stella
6. tara
7. sister
8. morgan? haha
9. melissa
10. my cool ass self.
NINE things i'm wearing right now:
1. gold sequined flats
2. off white woven belt
3. AF jeans
4. shirt from UO
5. long beaded necklace
6. lace tanktop
7. brown jacket
8. hair clip
9. green eyeshadow
EIGHT things on my mind:
1. govt. test tomorrow
2. math quiz tomorrow
3. college
4. when dads coming home
5. what the hell i'm gonna do with a history major
6. my fat
7. how i'm broke
8. the stupid weather
SEVEN items i touched today:
1. face
2. hair
3. keyboard
4. pills
5. ipod
6. eggo waffles
7. backpack
SIX things i did today:
1. ate waffles
2. went online
3. gave my neighbors some shit
4. sexified myself with makeup (haha)
5. BSed some math hw
6. went to the bathroom
FIVE things i want to do before i die:
1. have a family
2. something extreme...like skidiving
3. win the lotto
4. find success in whatever a history major can find success in
5. speak up for myself and tell everyone what is on my mind.
FOUR things i would never do:
1. drink as a means of escape.
2. smoke.
3. umm. star in a porno.
4. murder?
THREE things i think when i wake up:
1. what time is it
2. why.
3. do i HAVE to go to school today...
TWO of my favorite foods:
1. chicken alfredo
2. taco bell crap
One thing that matters the most to you:
1. being true to my morals and loyal to those i care the most about. oh yes, and success.
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[17 Mar 2005|05:53pm] |
I forgot that I was trying to change the look of my journal. It looks like crap...please excuse the crappyness.
I've been very sleepy lately. And very lazy. I mean, why do work? And why must math suck so much? If you like math, IM me so I can yell at you for being so abnormal. I'm like a dumb math person too, in MA and I frickin' don't get anything.
Bottom Line: Math is the devil.
I'm in an extreme whining mood but I'll spare you all...be grateful, sucka! GOOD NIGHT.
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| i can't let you see what you mean to me |
[13 Mar 2005|06:37pm] |
Realism vs. idealism: what do you think?
I don't know what I think. Sometimes my idealistic ways really let me down when reality sinks in. But then, other times being idealistic let's me escape the harsh truth.
Realism allows you to understand that life will have obstacles, that you'll feel pain (lots of it) and basically, it brings out the pessimistic side of yourself. Idealism, on the other hand, keeps you from feeling the hurt and makes you believe that you will get through the obstacles that life seems to throw at you. You don't realize the real world around you.
Either way you're deprived.
I like to think of myself as iderealistic.
Anyway. Nostalgia is the best worst feeling ever. It feels good to remember the good times. But it feels worse to know that it's never going to be like that again. Sigh.
Random:
sister - "Let's get crunk!"
me (in disbelief) - "You did not just say that word! I hate it!"
sister - "What does it mean?!"
me - "Omg. I have lost any shred of sisterly respect I've ever had for you. Die!"
Moral of the story: Don't say "crunk."
I hate that word with every ounce of my being.
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| igotintoucla |
[13 Mar 2005|12:13am] |
This has been a pretty good week.
The sun makes me happy.
Anyway, the Variety Show was last night. For me, the best acts were Yue and Iqwak + Spencer Jon and Alex (their song is still in my head!!). Ummm...I found out some pretty exciting news this morning.
So, this whole week I've been trying to lose some poundage and I was minus six until I had Taco Bell...then I had gained 3. NEVER AGAIN.
Good night!
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| isn't it a drag, its pretty but its sad |
[02 Mar 2005|04:04pm] |
Everyday there's a blow to my already much worn out spirits.
Nothing really pleases me anymore. I'm not enjoying myself. The one activity I truly get some gratification out of is spending money and my parent's have suspended my allowance. Great, huh? Yeah, pretty damn great. My dad says I have a spending problem. I say, you're crazy. Petulance ensues.
What can I do, that does not involve alcohol, drugs or any other hallucinogenic substances [although it is tempting], so I can feel well again?
School is torture. My mom is letting me stay home tomorrow, cause seriously, [mostly] everyone from school can take a joy ride to hell for all I care. I'm really glad she's letting me stay home, so relieved. School is just a waste of time now.
Yeah yeah, less whining, more shut the hell up. 'Til the next time I feel particularly emo!
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| bleh. |
[21 Feb 2005|10:34pm] |
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I've never felt so truly depressed before.
And it's not that emo type of depression. I just can't seem to feel happy anymore.
I'm going through a really rocky period in my life right now. I'm not so much of an articulate person but let's just say that about every aspect of my life pretty much...sucks (see, told you). In the past few days I've certainly learned that crying doesn't make things better. So, I'm not sure what else to do.
I just want one day, just one, where I feel content with my life...where this huge feeling on my chest is lifted and I'm okay.
Bleh. I wish I can convey my feelings better, so I'll get back to this later...when my mind is thinking more clearly.
PS. I must get out of San Jose.
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| do not be fooled. |
[17 Feb 2005|04:04pm] |
You cannot trust anyone.
It's taken me a lot of getting hurt, a lot of giving people second (third, fourth...) chances and I've finally realized that you truly cannot trust a single person. I don't know, it might be just me. But day by day I realize how horrible people are and how there is no honor in keeping stuff to your damn self. I don't even trust my parents. That's how bad it is right now.
I feel so hurt. Being an idealist I believe that when you consider someone as a confidant, they will respect that. But no. People are fucked up. Let me say that again: People are FUCKED up.
I'm so sick of feeling like this all the time...like there's just no one out there whom I can be close to. It hurts so bad, to realize that someone you trusted...it's not great when you feel like crying everytime you think about it...
It sucks more so because I feel like I don't deserve this. I'm stuck in my belief that I'm a good person and as a good person I deserve to be happy. But I haven't been happy in a long time. I can't even remember the last time when I was truly happy.
The more I realize the fuckedupness of people, the more I hate. The more I hate, the more I stay away.
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| soreness!! |
[15 Feb 2005|07:20pm] |
| [ |
music |
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the ramones - i want you around |
] |
My one objective right now is to get in shape and lose some weight. However, my will power is super lame and whenever I see super fatty foods like pizza or burritos I can't resist. I've never ate healthy in my whole life and my metabolism used to be really good about it but now all that fatty food I've consumed throughout the years have caught up with me. :( I've really let myself go, haha
My days have been simple and I've been really lazy. Just doing the minimum amount of homework I can get away with then off to the gym...and then TV. It's been nice.
I thought this whole waiting period all us seniors are in would be easy...but I'm getting really anxious. Mr. Orloff told me that I'd get in Berkeley after I told him my grades and SAT scores but there are so many people out there who are SO much better than me...Gosh, I really want to know where I'm going next year ahh!! Even my parents are anxious! I'm the first in the family to go to college so this is all new to them.
Anyway, I gotta shower and then Scrubs is on at 9.
Zach Braff is the guy of my dreams.
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| keepin' busy |
[08 Feb 2005|10:11pm] |
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As relaxing as this whole school at 12:30 thing is, I've got a whole lot of crap to do this week. Scholarship deadlines, homework in general and tests. I also made an inopportune promise to Christine that I would write a story for a zine that she created. Oh dear. CRAP and school newspaper deadline is this week too. Physics test. Yikes. So, exactly how bad can I do this semester before I get admissions (if any) revoked?
Speaking of admissions...can I please know now? It'd help calm my nerves a lot. I need to be assured that I will be leaving this city, and the people in it, next fall.
Oh, I have money now. As girly as this sounds, I am SO going shopping this weekend. After I get all the above said crap done. My mom deposited $100 in my bank account because it was overdrafted. Stupid Wells Fargo...but hey I got money.
As life goes on, you realize and meet the people who you truly care for, the ones you want to be a good friend to, the ones that will be there for you always...I've weeded out most of the people who do not fall into this category, and I hope that I soon find more genuine people out there. Genuinity (ha, is that a word?) is a trait often overlooked by those carried away by the fakeness in the world.
PS. I HATE J.LO'S NEW SONG. I WANT TO KILL IT...WITH SOME SORT OF TOOL THAT WILL CAUSE MAXIMUM PAIN TO THAT STUPID TRUMPET-LIKE SOUND IN THAT SONG GAAHHH.
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orangegrl911's journal